[Which he still finds unsettling. If it weren't for turning into a squid and spending the past few months in a blood-obsessed town, Atsushi might think twice about a blood ritual like this.]
Sorry. Was that rude of me? I wasn't sure how to ask, so... [He'd taken action instead.]
No no no! I was about to ask- I AM asking you! I think- Sushi-kun, this really means a lot to me that you want to do this too! I was worried I was being pushy! [Again.]
But you want to do it too? That means so much to me, really really!
[He laughs lightly, mostly at himself. Usagi's kindness has never ceased to amaze him. Really, he should learn that Usagi is love itself already!
But just like with Makoto, Atsushi worries that the bond is asking a lot. Even from Usagi. So to be certain, he does want to warn her of what she's getting into;]
It sounds like they're a lot though... Emotionally. Uh. Before we do, I... I should warn you about... something. Is that okay to discuss in person?
[Usagi was looking over the stuff for the bonding ritual and making sure everything was ready to go when she heard Atsushi enter the kitchen. Her margay, Lua, was fast asleep atop a stool.]
[Luckily, Atsushi had kept most of the ingredients in the kitchen cupboards. He’s ready to fetch them if they still want to do the ritual, but pauses to smile shyly and wave to Usagi. It isn’t fair to force this on her before she knows everything, so he waits on getting the supplies.]
Hey. Thanks for agreeing to talk on such short notice… I already spoke to Makoto-chan, but I want you to hear this too.
[But some tea might be grounding right now. Atsushi isn’t sure how to go about explaining his concerns to Usagi. He doesn’t talk very much about his past and he wants to let it go. Unfortunately, he can’t change himself over night.]
It’s about the bonds… Did you hear about how they work? Some of them are emotional..?
You don't trouble me, you've never troubled me. If anything, if truly anything, I've troubled you. [She's the one constantly going through corruption, she's the one who nearly murdered him, she's absolutely the one who murdered Makoto. He has done nothing wrong, and she has done everything wrong.
So really, she's just grateful he hasn't left.]
I heard about a few of them, yeah. [Mako and Wu's wedding came to mind, her own with Minako and Makoto.] Why?
[He wonders how much of that is true. To Atsushi, Usagi is nothing close to a burden. She's taught him so much and guided him to so much happiness. Though he still doesn't know exactly how to label the way he feels about her, he's aware that it's some form of love.]
The thing is, I don't have very good control over mine. My emotions, I mean. I'm-
[How does he explain this? Because like his feelings for Usagi, he doesn't know how to describe his trauma.]
... I can hear him. And hear him. The headmaster can't really be here, but I still feel him as real as when I was in the orphanage. I don't want that to bleed over to you, Usagi-chan.
[She listens, she's pretty damn good at listening at this point. When he mentions the headmaster, her blood boils but she pushes it aside for him. She reached out and held Atsushi's hands.]
Even if it does, those thoughts, they're not really YOU. They're what that man did to you. I'm not scared of those feelings, those things you might remember.
I'm just sorry you've been shouldering those thoughts on your own for so long.
[He's not sure what to make of that. No one has ever apologized to him for what he shoulders on his own. That's his burden and he doesn't share it because he can't.
Atsushi is unable to meet her gaze, especially when he knows his own complex feelings about the past will show in his eyes.]
You shoulder a lot on your own too, Usagi-chan. I know there are thoughts and feelings you don't tell me. You've gone through a lot too.
[Unable to look at her directly, but he does return her grip with his own.]
Yet you always take on other peoples' feelings. I'm afraid to add to that and hurt you.
Ah- [She's immediately inclined to disagree but... can't, blushing. He's got her number and good. She cleared her throat and looked away then down at their hands. She looked back up at him.]
In a way, don't we already share our feelings with one another? The good and bad? When you're hurt or sad or angry, I worry. When you're happy and excited and in dopey in love [She grinned.] I'm thrilled for you... with you.
So I won't insist, but I already love you, Sushi-kun, I'm gonna take on your feelings even now, to be honest. This would just be more... literal.
[Now she’s the one with the good point. It’s a concept that he’s not used to: He’s new to having people to care about and to care about it. Usagi is the one who introduced him to these kinds of feelings.]
If you’re sure, then I believe you. But if we’re doing this, I want to be able to do more for you.
[He lifts his gaze, taking on a more serious expression.]
You take on so much. I wish I could be doing more through this bond… somehow.
[She was a bit surprised that Atsushi said he wanted to be able to do more for her. That seemed to be a common thing among her loved ones. She blushed as he seemed to call her out again about how much she took on her own.
She didn't feel like she did, especially not here when there were endless other people able to do so much or did much more than her. She gave a small nod, though.]
To be honest, I don't know what else I can ask of you. But... thank you for wanting to. And... knowing I'll have a connection to you to make sure you're okay, that makes me happy too.
I'll be connected to you too. I'll get better at understanding how you're feeling.
[Atsushi recognizes that his empathy is pretty bad right now. Their year living together is the longest time that he's lived with someone, instead of feeling like people lived around him. He's already failed to notice how lonely she was before and that still haunts his conscience.]
... I have all of the materials. There's stuff leftover from doing this with Makoto, so-. [They could get started tonight.]
You're going to be craving sweets a lot then. [She smiled, which, wasn't WRONG but she also knew she was deflecting a slightly more serious topic. She wouldn't be able to say "I'm fine." He'd know it's a lie because he'd be able to feel it. Usagi knows to some degree, a lot of their relationship is not pushing too much while the other is hurting, being there but not trying to pry about what it's all about. She lifted a brow at the Makoto comment, looking for the handprint.
She reached out, grabbing his hand.]
I honestly don't mind you knowing if you're okay with it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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He nods to the camera.]
Yeah, same here... um. Do you want to talk over the network or..? [Should they do this in person?
Awkwardly, he does add;] I bought most of the stuff already...
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Wait, you already have everything too?
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[Which he still finds unsettling. If it weren't for turning into a squid and spending the past few months in a blood-obsessed town, Atsushi might think twice about a blood ritual like this.]
Sorry. Was that rude of me? I wasn't sure how to ask, so... [He'd taken action instead.]
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But you want to do it too? That means so much to me, really really!
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[He laughs lightly, mostly at himself. Usagi's kindness has never ceased to amaze him. Really, he should learn that Usagi is love itself already!
But just like with Makoto, Atsushi worries that the bond is asking a lot. Even from Usagi. So to be certain, he does want to warn her of what she's getting into;]
It sounds like they're a lot though... Emotionally. Uh. Before we do, I... I should warn you about... something. Is that okay to discuss in person?
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Right, yes, I'll come to you. Where are you? I'm in the kitchen.
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[The door can be heard opening;]
I'll see you in a minute. Thanks for your time, Usagi-chan.
Action;
Hey.
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Hey. Thanks for agreeing to talk on such short notice… I already spoke to Makoto-chan, but I want you to hear this too.
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Should I make some tea? What did you want to tell me?
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[But some tea might be grounding right now. Atsushi isn’t sure how to go about explaining his concerns to Usagi. He doesn’t talk very much about his past and he wants to let it go. Unfortunately, he can’t change himself over night.]
It’s about the bonds… Did you hear about how they work? Some of them are emotional..?
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So really, she's just grateful he hasn't left.]
I heard about a few of them, yeah. [Mako and Wu's wedding came to mind, her own with Minako and Makoto.] Why?
cw: ptsd
The thing is, I don't have very good control over mine. My emotions, I mean. I'm-
[How does he explain this? Because like his feelings for Usagi, he doesn't know how to describe his trauma.]
... I can hear him. And hear him. The headmaster can't really be here, but I still feel him as real as when I was in the orphanage. I don't want that to bleed over to you, Usagi-chan.
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Even if it does, those thoughts, they're not really YOU. They're what that man did to you. I'm not scared of those feelings, those things you might remember.
I'm just sorry you've been shouldering those thoughts on your own for so long.
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Atsushi is unable to meet her gaze, especially when he knows his own complex feelings about the past will show in his eyes.]
You shoulder a lot on your own too, Usagi-chan. I know there are thoughts and feelings you don't tell me. You've gone through a lot too.
[Unable to look at her directly, but he does return her grip with his own.]
Yet you always take on other peoples' feelings. I'm afraid to add to that and hurt you.
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In a way, don't we already share our feelings with one another? The good and bad? When you're hurt or sad or angry, I worry. When you're happy and excited and in dopey in love [She grinned.] I'm thrilled for you... with you.
So I won't insist, but I already love you, Sushi-kun, I'm gonna take on your feelings even now, to be honest. This would just be more... literal.
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If you’re sure, then I believe you. But if we’re doing this, I want to be able to do more for you.
[He lifts his gaze, taking on a more serious expression.]
You take on so much. I wish I could be doing more through this bond… somehow.
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She didn't feel like she did, especially not here when there were endless other people able to do so much or did much more than her. She gave a small nod, though.]
To be honest, I don't know what else I can ask of you. But... thank you for wanting to. And... knowing I'll have a connection to you to make sure you're okay, that makes me happy too.
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[Atsushi recognizes that his empathy is pretty bad right now. Their year living together is the longest time that he's lived with someone, instead of feeling like people lived around him. He's already failed to notice how lonely she was before and that still haunts his conscience.]
... I have all of the materials. There's stuff leftover from doing this with Makoto, so-. [They could get started tonight.]
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She reached out, grabbing his hand.]
I honestly don't mind you knowing if you're okay with it.
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Then takes her hand with his.]
I don’t mind craving sweets. I’ve learned to want a lot more since we started living together.
[He’s becoming more selfish. A lot different from the child who got thrown around by life before.
He smiled shyly when parroting back her phrasing;]
I don’t mind. I honestly like living together, Usagi-chan.
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[She offered sincerely, reaching out and squeezing his hand.]
I like living with you too, Sushi-kun, you're like a brother to me. I love you very much.