[He wonders how much of that is true. To Atsushi, Usagi is nothing close to a burden. She's taught him so much and guided him to so much happiness. Though he still doesn't know exactly how to label the way he feels about her, he's aware that it's some form of love.]
The thing is, I don't have very good control over mine. My emotions, I mean. I'm-
[How does he explain this? Because like his feelings for Usagi, he doesn't know how to describe his trauma.]
... I can hear him. And hear him. The headmaster can't really be here, but I still feel him as real as when I was in the orphanage. I don't want that to bleed over to you, Usagi-chan.
[She listens, she's pretty damn good at listening at this point. When he mentions the headmaster, her blood boils but she pushes it aside for him. She reached out and held Atsushi's hands.]
Even if it does, those thoughts, they're not really YOU. They're what that man did to you. I'm not scared of those feelings, those things you might remember.
I'm just sorry you've been shouldering those thoughts on your own for so long.
[He's not sure what to make of that. No one has ever apologized to him for what he shoulders on his own. That's his burden and he doesn't share it because he can't.
Atsushi is unable to meet her gaze, especially when he knows his own complex feelings about the past will show in his eyes.]
You shoulder a lot on your own too, Usagi-chan. I know there are thoughts and feelings you don't tell me. You've gone through a lot too.
[Unable to look at her directly, but he does return her grip with his own.]
Yet you always take on other peoples' feelings. I'm afraid to add to that and hurt you.
Ah- [She's immediately inclined to disagree but... can't, blushing. He's got her number and good. She cleared her throat and looked away then down at their hands. She looked back up at him.]
In a way, don't we already share our feelings with one another? The good and bad? When you're hurt or sad or angry, I worry. When you're happy and excited and in dopey in love [She grinned.] I'm thrilled for you... with you.
So I won't insist, but I already love you, Sushi-kun, I'm gonna take on your feelings even now, to be honest. This would just be more... literal.
[Now she’s the one with the good point. It’s a concept that he’s not used to: He’s new to having people to care about and to care about it. Usagi is the one who introduced him to these kinds of feelings.]
If you’re sure, then I believe you. But if we’re doing this, I want to be able to do more for you.
[He lifts his gaze, taking on a more serious expression.]
You take on so much. I wish I could be doing more through this bond… somehow.
[She was a bit surprised that Atsushi said he wanted to be able to do more for her. That seemed to be a common thing among her loved ones. She blushed as he seemed to call her out again about how much she took on her own.
She didn't feel like she did, especially not here when there were endless other people able to do so much or did much more than her. She gave a small nod, though.]
To be honest, I don't know what else I can ask of you. But... thank you for wanting to. And... knowing I'll have a connection to you to make sure you're okay, that makes me happy too.
I'll be connected to you too. I'll get better at understanding how you're feeling.
[Atsushi recognizes that his empathy is pretty bad right now. Their year living together is the longest time that he's lived with someone, instead of feeling like people lived around him. He's already failed to notice how lonely she was before and that still haunts his conscience.]
... I have all of the materials. There's stuff leftover from doing this with Makoto, so-. [They could get started tonight.]
You're going to be craving sweets a lot then. [She smiled, which, wasn't WRONG but she also knew she was deflecting a slightly more serious topic. She wouldn't be able to say "I'm fine." He'd know it's a lie because he'd be able to feel it. Usagi knows to some degree, a lot of their relationship is not pushing too much while the other is hurting, being there but not trying to pry about what it's all about. She lifted a brow at the Makoto comment, looking for the handprint.
She reached out, grabbing his hand.]
I honestly don't mind you knowing if you're okay with it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cw: ptsd
The thing is, I don't have very good control over mine. My emotions, I mean. I'm-
[How does he explain this? Because like his feelings for Usagi, he doesn't know how to describe his trauma.]
... I can hear him. And hear him. The headmaster can't really be here, but I still feel him as real as when I was in the orphanage. I don't want that to bleed over to you, Usagi-chan.
no subject
Even if it does, those thoughts, they're not really YOU. They're what that man did to you. I'm not scared of those feelings, those things you might remember.
I'm just sorry you've been shouldering those thoughts on your own for so long.
no subject
Atsushi is unable to meet her gaze, especially when he knows his own complex feelings about the past will show in his eyes.]
You shoulder a lot on your own too, Usagi-chan. I know there are thoughts and feelings you don't tell me. You've gone through a lot too.
[Unable to look at her directly, but he does return her grip with his own.]
Yet you always take on other peoples' feelings. I'm afraid to add to that and hurt you.
no subject
In a way, don't we already share our feelings with one another? The good and bad? When you're hurt or sad or angry, I worry. When you're happy and excited and in dopey in love [She grinned.] I'm thrilled for you... with you.
So I won't insist, but I already love you, Sushi-kun, I'm gonna take on your feelings even now, to be honest. This would just be more... literal.
no subject
If you’re sure, then I believe you. But if we’re doing this, I want to be able to do more for you.
[He lifts his gaze, taking on a more serious expression.]
You take on so much. I wish I could be doing more through this bond… somehow.
no subject
She didn't feel like she did, especially not here when there were endless other people able to do so much or did much more than her. She gave a small nod, though.]
To be honest, I don't know what else I can ask of you. But... thank you for wanting to. And... knowing I'll have a connection to you to make sure you're okay, that makes me happy too.
no subject
[Atsushi recognizes that his empathy is pretty bad right now. Their year living together is the longest time that he's lived with someone, instead of feeling like people lived around him. He's already failed to notice how lonely she was before and that still haunts his conscience.]
... I have all of the materials. There's stuff leftover from doing this with Makoto, so-. [They could get started tonight.]
no subject
She reached out, grabbing his hand.]
I honestly don't mind you knowing if you're okay with it.
no subject
Then takes her hand with his.]
I don’t mind craving sweets. I’ve learned to want a lot more since we started living together.
[He’s becoming more selfish. A lot different from the child who got thrown around by life before.
He smiled shyly when parroting back her phrasing;]
I don’t mind. I honestly like living together, Usagi-chan.
no subject
[She offered sincerely, reaching out and squeezing his hand.]
I like living with you too, Sushi-kun, you're like a brother to me. I love you very much.