[She didn't pull away, just staying there in his arms. Makoto knew that Atsushi was still adjusting to everything but right then what she wanted and needed was a hug from him, something to keep her mind from lingering on what Reaper had said, and to keep her head from spinning.]
Are you happy? Being with me, does it make you happy?
[Her words inspire him to search for a place to set the hair dryer. He lets his arm hand at his side briefly, trying to gently ease the device to the floor by its cord, then properly returns her hug with both arms. Atsushi isn’t sure what’s wrong, but he doesn’t want to give the impression that his attention is divided either.]
Mm. I’ve been very happy, Makoto-chan... Are you not?
I am. You make me the happiest I've been, especially since coming here. You're perfect and sweet, and kind. What happens if I'm not good enough, what if I ruin it?
[Makoto still clung to him, feeling his arms tighten slightly after he sets down the hairdryer. A few drops fell on his shoulder, though it was hard to tell if they came from her hair or her eyes.]
[Everything she says sounds so familiar and it hurts to hear these familiar words from Makoto. Makoto, who has done nothing but be good to everyone around her. Who lived a life where she extends her goodness to others.
He feels his shoulder get wet and tries to tighten his grip even more. Atsushi knows the dark places that a person’s mind can go and he wants to drag her out of it.]
You won’t. You’re perfect as you are, Makoto-chan. I’m happy because it’s you here. You won’t even be able to ruin that.
[Makoto hadn't done good, she'd hurt everyone around her. She'd failed to protect Usagi, and she'd killed others and blamed herself, Makoto had flinched away from her when she returned. Atsushi had to put up with Minako and Usagi's plans because of what she'd told them. She'd broken Vira-Lorr's heart without even realizing it. Reaper had reminded her of those shortcomings, that she couldn't have happiness without ruining it for someone else. And that in time she would ruin this.]
So you really are happy? It's not just because you think it's what I want?
[There's a small snivel as she manages to unbury her head from his shoulder, her eyes were red, slightly bloodshot.]
Atsushi. . . I. . . I love you. I don't want to lose you or do anything to hurt you.
[Her words are strange to hear, enough so that he nearly looks over his shoulder to check if she's talking to someone else. But there are only the two of them in this room and there's only Atsushi that Makoto is dating. He knows that.
Yet the shadow of his past lingers. Like a figure standing just out of his vision, looming over him and reminding him of how worthless he is. How awful he is to trick Makoto into thinking she could love a miserable existence like his. Atsushi closes his eyes, breathing in deeply to banish the past from his mind. Thinking about her words instead and using their embrace to ground himself in the present.]
Mm. I-I... I love you too. So you can't hurt me. [He leans forward to kiss her forehead. Atsushi doesn't mean to be cold from fear. It'll take more than a few seconds to overpower his self-hatred.] What happened to make you think that you could?
He said that others would have to pay for my happiness. That even if I found love, or someone that I cared about, I would ruin it.
[Makoto still held close to him, his presence helping to ground her a little and keep her from spiraling further inward and blaming herself. Though the hesitation did make her wonder if he just felt like she'd put him on the spot and realized it had been the first time she's told him that. That they had said it out loud.]
I don't want anything to happen to you. I want you to be happy.
[It’s not being put on the spot that causes him to hesitate, but regretting how he is conditioned to doubt his value. Atsushi isn’t in a mindset where it registers with him and he doesn’t think to address it. Why would Makoto care that his past abuse lives in his head? It would just trouble her to know.
Besides, her words worry him more. There is a certain redhead in Yokohama who said something similar once. She acted like happy things were in limited quantities too. So he shakes his head softly, already knowing his response.]
Well, he’s wrong. Happiness isn’t something that’s in limited quantities, I mean... [Atsushi hesitates briefly. Almost shy to be honest about his feelings, since he is afraid of being inappropriate.]
... We make happiness out of nothing just by being together, right?
[Atsushi, he was so thoughtful and kind. Even when she was like this he still thought about her, and it was something that Makoto always hoped that he would see for himself one day. That maybe she would be able to get him to realize just how valuable he was, and how much he mattered, especially to her. At his words she relaxed a little, nodding her head. After a moment she took a hand and wiped her eyes, brushing the still damp hair back out of her face.]
Every time that I'm with you I'm happy. So if you're happy as well, I guess we do.
[It makes him feel somewhat sheepish to hear her agree. Her words are still rattling around in his head and haven’t fully settled. Atsushi may be glad to see her cheering up, but he can’t fully relax yet.]
Then happiness can’t be finite, right? Since we’re making each other happy... So I don’t think you can ruin other people’s happiness, Makoto-chan. Being happy isn’t something you can hoard anyway. It has to be shared to mean anything.
[He follows her hand, gently brushing her cheek,] You’re worried about someone in particular, aren’t you?
[Makoto leaned into his palm slightly, she likely felt a little warm but at least she didn't smell like smoke and the smell of the drinks she'd had was washed away.]
I'm worried about you, I don't want to hurt you, or to ruin this. That no matter what it wouldn't work out. B-but there is someone, I-I didn't say anything earlier because I didn't think it was serious.
Right after we told each other we felt. Some else confessed, I told her that I couldn't return those feelings because I cared about you. I took her happiness away.
[Atsushi is an incredibly dense person sometimes, so he can't even begin to guess who Makoto might be referring to. It doesn't surprise him to think that someone else may have been interested in Makoto, though. She's kind, talented, brave... Her positive qualities shine so brightly that it's natural to be attracted to her.
His gaze does soften with concern.]
... By that logic, aren't I just as guilty? Because I took you away from her? [This train of thought it forcing his brain to do some aerobics. He knows it's not true, since he doesn't blame Makoto for the situation either.]
N-no it's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. I . . . I should have realized it sooner and told her before then that I really value her as a friend but that there was someone else. That I really liked you.
[Makoto felt even more idiotic about it looking back because she had cried into Vira-Lorr's lap when she'd been rejected by David, and Vira-Lorr had helped her recover when she came back to life waiting on Atsushi and Usagi.]
I don't want to hurt anyone, and I want to be happy, I want to be with you and for both of us to be together.
[It feels strange again to hear her say that. Being together with someone. Wanted. It's so foreign a concept and he still has trouble believing it's allowed. Yet he smiles shyly at her words. When imagining a world where Makoto instead pursued this other person, his feelings become more clear to him.]
If you'd wanted someone else... I think I'd be happy that you were happy, Makoto-chan. M-Maybe that's strange of me to think? But I'm sure that other person feels the same. If you're happy, they'll be happy too, so um... [He gently takes her hands, nervous. Unsure of what words are 'right' and how a proper boyfriend should respond.] ... Let's dry your hair. You'll catch a cold.
[If you're happy, they'll be happy too. Was it really that simple? Would it be what made Atsushi happy as well, if she was happy? For a moment she stands there, her hands being held in his, thinking bout it. If Reaper was right and she would wind up ruining it, it would be because she was expecting to right? Atsushi had said that he was happy, which lifted a large part of the weight from her chest, but that her happiness might help to restore the other's happiness as well. She'd been kind of childish hadn't she?
Leaning in Makoto kissed Atsushi, holding onto his hands tight. She didn't care about her hair right then, and she wasn't worried about catching a cold.]
[Replaying his words in his head, Atsushi wonders if he's messed up. Maybe he is wrong to think that way after all? And then changing the topic to her hair... That was pretty stupid of him. But before his self hatred can begin its usual cycle, Makoto has leaned in to kiss him. Atsushi closes his eyes to lightly return the kiss. There's a lot that he's still unsure about, but he has learned that kissing Makoto makes him happy. It's as grounding as her hands in his.
He barely pulls back when speaking again, smile becoming shy once more.]
... I can't cure a cold with kisses, you know. [His tone isn't scolding, but instead carries a tone of fondness.]
[Makoto just lingered there, in no hurry to move or pull further away. She leans her forehead against his smiling gently, Atsushi made her happy, and right now he made her feel like she was alright. She did feel anxious or worried anymore, though the thoughts did still linger a little. His reassurement though had done a lot to help silence them a bit, and to put her a bit more at ease.]
They make me feel better. And if not I'd still have you to take care of me.
[It started to dawn on her though she had said that she loved him, and he'd said it back in his own way. Her hands squeezed his lightly as she finally pulled away enough that she could look into his eyes.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Are you happy? Being with me, does it make you happy?
no subject
Mm. I’ve been very happy, Makoto-chan... Are you not?
no subject
[Makoto still clung to him, feeling his arms tighten slightly after he sets down the hairdryer. A few drops fell on his shoulder, though it was hard to tell if they came from her hair or her eyes.]
I don't want to hurt you.
no subject
He feels his shoulder get wet and tries to tighten his grip even more. Atsushi knows the dark places that a person’s mind can go and he wants to drag her out of it.]
You won’t. You’re perfect as you are, Makoto-chan. I’m happy because it’s you here. You won’t even be able to ruin that.
no subject
So you really are happy? It's not just because you think it's what I want?
[There's a small snivel as she manages to unbury her head from his shoulder, her eyes were red, slightly bloodshot.]
Atsushi. . . I. . . I love you. I don't want to lose you or do anything to hurt you.
no subject
Yet the shadow of his past lingers. Like a figure standing just out of his vision, looming over him and reminding him of how worthless he is. How awful he is to trick Makoto into thinking she could love a miserable existence like his. Atsushi closes his eyes, breathing in deeply to banish the past from his mind. Thinking about her words instead and using their embrace to ground himself in the present.]
Mm. I-I... I love you too. So you can't hurt me. [He leans forward to kiss her forehead. Atsushi doesn't mean to be cold from fear. It'll take more than a few seconds to overpower his self-hatred.] What happened to make you think that you could?
no subject
[Makoto still held close to him, his presence helping to ground her a little and keep her from spiraling further inward and blaming herself. Though the hesitation did make her wonder if he just felt like she'd put him on the spot and realized it had been the first time she's told him that. That they had said it out loud.]
I don't want anything to happen to you. I want you to be happy.
no subject
Besides, her words worry him more. There is a certain redhead in Yokohama who said something similar once. She acted like happy things were in limited quantities too. So he shakes his head softly, already knowing his response.]
Well, he’s wrong. Happiness isn’t something that’s in limited quantities, I mean... [Atsushi hesitates briefly. Almost shy to be honest about his feelings, since he is afraid of being inappropriate.]
... We make happiness out of nothing just by being together, right?
no subject
Every time that I'm with you I'm happy. So if you're happy as well, I guess we do.
no subject
Then happiness can’t be finite, right? Since we’re making each other happy... So I don’t think you can ruin other people’s happiness, Makoto-chan. Being happy isn’t something you can hoard anyway. It has to be shared to mean anything.
[He follows her hand, gently brushing her cheek,] You’re worried about someone in particular, aren’t you?
no subject
I'm worried about you, I don't want to hurt you, or to ruin this. That no matter what it wouldn't work out. B-but there is someone, I-I didn't say anything earlier because I didn't think it was serious.
Right after we told each other we felt. Some else confessed, I told her that I couldn't return those feelings because I cared about you. I took her happiness away.
no subject
His gaze does soften with concern.]
... By that logic, aren't I just as guilty? Because I took you away from her? [This train of thought it forcing his brain to do some aerobics. He knows it's not true, since he doesn't blame Makoto for the situation either.]
no subject
[Makoto felt even more idiotic about it looking back because she had cried into Vira-Lorr's lap when she'd been rejected by David, and Vira-Lorr had helped her recover when she came back to life waiting on Atsushi and Usagi.]
I don't want to hurt anyone, and I want to be happy, I want to be with you and for both of us to be together.
no subject
If you'd wanted someone else... I think I'd be happy that you were happy, Makoto-chan. M-Maybe that's strange of me to think? But I'm sure that other person feels the same. If you're happy, they'll be happy too, so um... [He gently takes her hands, nervous. Unsure of what words are 'right' and how a proper boyfriend should respond.] ... Let's dry your hair. You'll catch a cold.
no subject
Leaning in Makoto kissed Atsushi, holding onto his hands tight. She didn't care about her hair right then, and she wasn't worried about catching a cold.]
no subject
He barely pulls back when speaking again, smile becoming shy once more.]
... I can't cure a cold with kisses, you know. [His tone isn't scolding, but instead carries a tone of fondness.]
no subject
They make me feel better. And if not I'd still have you to take care of me.
[It started to dawn on her though she had said that she loved him, and he'd said it back in his own way. Her hands squeezed his lightly as she finally pulled away enough that she could look into his eyes.]
You make everything better.